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Today was a very special day. My life seems to be in this semi-wierd, quasi-modo place
right now, seems like it has been for about five or six months. Part of taking this trip
was part of just going with that flow rather than fighting it.
I had a rather large loss in December, having had to euthanize my 18.5 year old cat Jazz.
I've written about her here before because she was so much a part of my life that it even
affected my surfing in mostly positive ways.
Ehuthanizing her because of advanced renal failure killed a part of me too, and I feel from
time to time a hardcore sense of guilt for "having killed her" or "put her down" or whatever
term you might want to associate with an act of humanity. It hurt me to take her spirit away
because the demands of her body were too great for her. Guilt is still the word that hangs around
my thoughts of having had to do this to her spirit, but not her body. Maybe other animal lovers and
owners know what this is like.
Having pets involves a lot of sacrifieces, and of course to me she was like my child for so long. I treated
her as such, so it was a huge loss of a loved one for me. As her caretaker, a better word for "owner,"
I felt hugely satisfied, however, with our relationship, the way it began, through a full life, and
ultimately with the decision I had to make regarding her life and her spirit.
Animals know when things are going down, they see you packing, or you mood changes or you get busy and get
the suitcase out and they know you are leaving them. And of course Jazz always knew, and she hated it.
The longest time we were ever apart was when I went to Hawaii in 2006, for nearly two weeks out of all our
time together. I had trusted friends help look in on her and take care of her and everything went
quite well. Used to be I could leave her, and my other cat (RIP 2001) with a bunch of food and water and lock
the door behind me for a week and come home and they'd be just fine.
But when Jinx passed away of unknown causes, it was just me and Jazz. We became so very close because of his
passing, much more than before. And between the two, as their caretaker, I really didn't get to do some of the
things I might have, or even considered doing, because of taking care of them. I could not just disappear
to Indo for 14 days and leave them behind. It was just something I could not do because I cared so much
for them, five to seven days was the max, really.
So when Jazz passed in December, things changed. I felt a freedom with the loss a little bit, but never knew
where it would lead. I really didn't know how to use it, coming home to an empty apartment with no greetings,
nothing to take care of, nothing to keep me company, nothing to talk to. All those things. So when my life took
that turn, the opportunity came up to come back to Hawaii, or really, to go anywhere I wanted. Instead of
saying, "no, you have to take care of Jazz" it became, well, I didn't have to take care of anything. But that's
so way incorrect it's not even funny.
I had to somehow forgive myself for taking her spirit away and it was unfinished business with me. But I think
today I finished it. Searching for some type of closure the last three months she's been gone. Feeling guilty
about holding her until her last breath. Something had to be done, because my spirit was hurting and I could
not make the pain go away.
The answer found me when I was packing for this trip to Kauai. I realized that I could not be going
on this trip if it actually were not for her. Usually I had to hide the packing as best I could, close
the bedroom door, pretend not to be acting differently, but she knew. She always did. So while
getting ready with her not around, I also realized that SHE was giving me this trip. It is very true,
because I would not be here if that was not the case. With her gone, I said to myself, she is giving
me opportunities that I might not otherwise have, and that's a difficult thing to think of, really.
Until 5 a.m. the morning of my depature, I waited to make the call to bring her along with me to see
how I would feel. And the answer was very difficult, but it was a yes. So I packed her creamains with
my stuff and thought it would be Kool to bring the Kat to Kauai with me. So she's here.
And she won't ever leave.
In the spirit of Island Aloha, beautiful tropical south pacific paradise, warm water, warm air, and on
the Garden Isle, she will stay forever. Back in San Diego, Jazz had a penchant for slipping outside
(she was an indoor cat who had outside priviledges), she always sought out a nice, shady place with a patch
of sunlight, where she would be completely concealed from anyone and anything. Finding a spot in courtyard
gardens, and even a garden I made specifically for her enjoyment. It was always hard to find her because she
was so good at hiding, laying in some comfortable dirt, with just enough sunlight hitting her charcoal
grey coat to let her enjoy the warmth and sunshine of Southern California and not get
too warm because of the color of her silky dark coat. She just loved her hours long
times outside.
When I was browsing the web prior to coming here, I found a photo of a place that was so stunning looking
that it was breathtaking, and it occurred to me, on the plane, that this might be a place to return
Jazz' spirit to and let maybe both of us rest forever. It was a photo of the Kalalau Valley Lookout. And that's where
we went today on a two hour, cross island trip to the Na Pali Coast, 4,000 feet in the air, to Waimea
Canyon, and up to Kalalau. It was an incredible day trip that started at 5 a.m. I wanted to beat traffic,
and get there in the morning light and not have it be cloudy. As it turns out, it was the best
day of the trip so far for weather.
It was very difficult with her in my pocket, so to speak. Kinda funny. Did I want to let her go? Where would
I put her? I must have walked back to the SUV to leave without doing what I had come to do about a dozen times.
It was very uncrowded, only a few people here and there, getting there early enough to have some privacy,
and enjoying watching the sun come up and bathe the valley and canyon in ever-increasing increments
of sunlight and illumination 4,000 feet below and around us. I narrowed the place down to two spots, and paced
between both of them, sometimes crying, sometimes not. I liked the one spot I chose to lay her down
because it had bushes that she would like, it wasn't over the edge of the canyon, and if she wanted,
she could come out of hiding and overlook the valley to the sea, see a waterfall miles away,
and also, there was plenty of food for her there too. Wild hens and roosters were over on the side
where I selected, but not on the other. I imagined her being able to move around in this spot
and it seemed perfect. Good for concealment, good for moving about, not too much sun. I guess it was perfect.
Jazz gave me the opportunity to come here, there's no question about that in my mind. Other human beings
also supported me, but without Jazz, I would not be here. The other thing is that I do not know if I will
ever return to Kauai, but I know that I will be here with Jazz forever too, I think. I thought of bringing her
out over the water and reef at Hanalei, but she's a land creature, and I'm the sea creature. She liked
being bathed, but not enough to be wet forever. The surf is my domain. So it was a land scattering for her, a
nice combination.
Just a couple of days shy of three months gone, I scattered her ashes at this beautiful place, to be remembered
forever, to remain forever, to share the spirt of paradise and aloha that she has given to me and to let me go home thinking that
the last thing I did as her caretaker was make another good decision and leave her spirit in paradise and release
me from feeling guilty for having to put her down. I did not want putting her down to be the last memory
of her that I have. I don't know if I'll ever get over the day we parted, but I know
I won't ever get over today, either, so now maybe it's about equal. There was no one else around when I laid
her down, it was just Jazz and me.
Stay here my Jazz, stay here, because you will like having the whole island as your garden, and not
just a couryard. It is all for you now. It's just all
so highly relevant and ironic to me, the garden thing, that it was too good to pass up.
May peace be with you forever here, I miss you terribly, but I know now that you are home, and when I return
home, know that I will be a better person for it. Thank you for bringing me to this beautiful place
where you will remain and I will remember forever.
I went looking for surf afterward on the south shore, but it was all windy and blown out and no swell.
I know there was increasing swell on the north side, but it did not matter to me. I spent time in
Poipo, had lunch, and came back to the hotel to post up. I dedicated the whole day to her
and that was fine by me. Swell is supposed to fill in and remain for the duration of my stay,
although I heard it was pretty good up north today.
- Cliff
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